Funny Stuff / Short Stories

Tagged SMELLY

Drifting

OFF PREFACE I found this SHORT STORY in my archive (YEAH I know eh, he who safes stuff..) and it dates back […]

Funny Stuff / Short Stories

4 min
7 months
369 words
5
1 0
743

Tagged Islay, Laphroaig, single malt, Whiskey

YES, I CAN

Ik drink het liefste schotse malt whisky en dan bij voorkeur van een klein eiland voor de kust met de weinig poëtische […]

Funny Stuff

10 min
9 months
929 words
8
0 0
784

Tagged name, surname, Van der LOO

WAT BETEKENT UW ACHTERNAAM?

well? Omdat me niets overkomt dat ook maar in de verste verte zo grappig is, besloot ik wat overpeinzingen op te schrijven […]

Funny Stuff / Short Stories

21 min
9 months
2,012 words
9
1 0
936

Tagged coolblue

EXPLANATION (SORT OF) TO COOLBLUE about THAT DARN MACHINE which has turned against us for no good reason

WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH a pretty funnny e-mail which I simply could not resist posting here to share with y’all AS […]

WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH a pretty funnny e-mail which I simply could not resist posting here to share with y’all AS THE FRIENDS WHICH I LIKE TO THINK Y’ALL ARE as it put a BIG GRIN a cross my mug and WELL I LIKE TO THINK THAT IS, AMONG A LOT OF OTHER GOOD QUALITIES WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT COOLBLUE, eh 😉

ANYWAYS JUST TO EXPLAIN Y’ALL A BIT BETTER ABOUT THE EVENTS LEADING TO IT,SO I THOUGHT TO WRITE IT ALL UP SO TO SPEAK

OK, WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE I GOT THIS EMAIL WAS THE FOLOWING:

WE ORDERED AND RECEIVED A COFFEEMAKER WHICH WAS GOING TO REPLACE OUR OLD AND TRUSTWORTHY NESPRESSO MACHINE Which I might have been the one and only hapless soul responsible for as It’s bringer of its DOOM … SINCE I WAS THE ONE WHO DROPPED IT’S WATER RESERVOIR AND FOR THAT I WILL MOST LIKELY GO TO HELL IF I AM,NOT ALREADY THERE😉

The device we got was either a Monday morning made version or just one of them collaborating heathen machines out there set to my personal destruction (Yes I realize how intriguing this may sound to y’all, but that has to be told in a separate story) cos whatever we tried we couldn’t get the darn thing to work properly…. and yes before yer gonna ask me this of course we had given its time for it adjust to our working environment which can be pretty hectic, but after a few more and then just for the heck of it even some more fruitless attempts we decided to send it back and since it was All My Fault to begin with (yep, not much Point in denying that one)😀, I was tasked by my loving wife Mrs. Patricia van der Loo (or Mrs. P. as she is generally referred to in this document) to take care of the administrative part of the logistical challenge of Sending_Back_Something.... NOTICE How I wrote this wee bit of text. That is to express my utmost respect towards all of them peeps involved in the logistic business and doing this kinda boring yet challenging stuff day in day out.., but before digressing (yet again, eh) Ooh boy ya wouldn’t believe it the number of times I have to say “focus old boy, FOCUS” to meself during the day, eh

Oh what ? ah I see yeh ya would eh, ok well never mind then…🙄

Right so there I was ya prolly know the scene : middle aged guy muttering to himself about the reasonable unfairness of life in general and about his own misery in particular while he is trying perhaps for the umptieth time to fill in the form which this blasted company (well in all fairness not really, just trying to recreate the atmosphere here, right) is bothering him with. and then it happened…

Y’all know me by now eh that’s to say I hope ya have come to the same conclusion that I have arrived albeit some time before ya (doh🙄) which is that granted I can be quite a basterd sometimes, but only when I am deprived of what I like to think is the Gawd given right to any red blooded man. m/f, which is of course quite in accordance with His Devine Plan (More on that particular topic of interest in a separately told story) WAIT ,WHAT ? YER ASKING A TAD BEWILDRED NOW, EH ?

WELL, NO OFFENCE INTENDED, Of course eh but haven’t ya paid (intentionally?) any Attention to what I have been on about for the good past of the day? Naaaw, didn’t think so either ,…. ok back then to the storyline or what’s left of it I should say.

I’m speaking of the right to appreciate the more refined things of life as ya know what I am talking about being the fine connoisseurs y’all are, no pun intended nor implicated :😀

Yesssah 😎, I’m referring to the one substance which keeps us all going :

COFFEE…

And let me begin to say that all of this –gesticulates in no particular direction – could NEY SHOULD have been avoided 🙄 but of course I could count on my personal archenemy… [Naaaw I am not referring to that other biatch: gravity] just had to stick her rather ugly big fat nosey in

Oh yes, it is to be a well known fact that she and I never had been too friendly with each other,, but the following events proved to be nothing short of as an act of war…. and normally I wouldn’t have paid too much of my valuable time at it but this time ya went too far missy…

Oh yeh, it’s her all right, just in case ya where wondering whom it was I was talking about this time I am yapping about that quite illustrious Woman of Luck” as she IS referred to by the general commoner in the street and to you my friends imaginary or not eh I bet I don’t need to explain what it is with me and luck as y’all know me as a man of few words 😛 and i rarely complain, but HOT DANG IT’S LIKE WE SAY IN THE NETHERLANDS AAN MIJN PIK KOMT OOK EEN KEER EEN END OR IN LESS SUBTLE WORDINGS ALL GOOD THINGS must come to an end..

s[oo[ooo, yer honor and members of the jury,, that’s about it… Oh and

Just to let y”all know that:there should ;ebe only a realt xsmL chance of a me kosing myv sg#[ah i an soeet fgpoo= thatem)

li/l÷p

)

ngpoint of xtrracion***//

Got it!

HI Frans,

Your return has arrived in our warehouse.

You specified the following as a complaint :

”SO I’ll be darned if I would be typing it up all over again…“

Unfortunately, the complaint isn’t entirely clear. This is important to us for further processing. Can you provide clarification? Can you describe even better when you experience the problems (for example during certain actions) and what you’ve already tried to solve the issue yourself. As soon as we’ve received your complaint, we’ll get started right away .

FROM COOLBLUE
With a smile😀

*** end of extract ***

With a smile eh ? Challenge accepted, I’d say……😎.

AND Yet ANOTGHER BASTARDO

RIGHT,

AFTER READING THIS LITTLE DISPLAY OF MY BAD TEMPER, I have decided to better my life and from now on not to write these things down REGARDLESS of the circumstances, OK?

So after this a bit too public apology but who cares right? My dignity? Bah HUMBUG, mate and if I may add, is way too overrated anyway, but still eh 😁 I would like to go ahead and summarize what it is that we found wrong with the coffeemaker:

AT FIRST IT did its job quite well and to each satisfaction , but then after a few days my wife complained to me that It wouldn’t proceed after she made coffee for all of the peeps in here except for herself and thinking it would have to be written off to either an overly active imagination or which is always a realistic possibility a female feeling of being discriminated, I thought nothing off it and continued with what I was doing…
Then the next couple of days we had similar experiences, all reported by females, so we had to investigate the matter a bit more seriously…After all we like to take pride in our positive attitude towards the few females that come over here and we would never let anything come between, that, obviously…
ANYHOO, Before I could even take matters in my own trusted hands, The DIABIOLICAL machine, must have thought that it had gained enough momentum since it then did a full blown and to my utter disgust a FRONTAL attack on me of all people… YESSAH, IT refused me to give me my morning coffee and that is just not on, no Sir. THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY AMISS, WHEN MACHINES WHICH HAVE BEEN THOUGHT OFF by way more clever men , (no doubt there eh ? RED.) BLUNTLY REFUSE to do what they were concieved for to begin with…

Not what ya expected eh ya mutter und yer breath… I imagine and let me assure ya: I can relate to that and then some my unknown friend as I hope to have found another human being who seems to have developed a genuine taste for curious and wicked events that may have led to this rather unfortunate situation where we find ourselves entangled in and therefore I hope, nay trust, I dare to refer to ya as my friend, which I do hope ya will not hold against me should this matter be taken into court of which I hasten to add that nothing is even indicating into that direction, but I am digressing now and given the seriousness of the case at hand we are talking about nothing else than the second most important necessity of a grown man being meeting the NEED for CAFEINE, I WILL NOW CONTINUE…

Without further ado, right like if all things where that simple eh?

HOT DANG

how I miss my wee coffeemaker… STARTS to sob and tremble incontrollable

IT’s at this rather precious moment that we notice that Mrs. P (Patricia van der Loo) and her colleagues step in as to take matters in to their own, and granted way more efficient hands as they now coach away the pretty messed up ruins of an once proud member of a fierce and courageous family of warriors

Now, where has that old foo.. erm I mean of course my esteemed husband lef off ? Mrs. P. starts reading and then continues without missing a single beat:”

“Right, ya asked us for the things we tried to do ourselves, eh ? Well I can assure ya that we have followed the manual to the letter where it was able to give us direction in this no doubt highly irregular case as the afore mentioned document did not foresee in this particular scenario other than to repeat what we have been doing ourselves and that was if I’m , not mistaken (which I NEVER AM since I stem from a Bavarian tribe of professional COW herds which have been around since the birth of the universe so I’d appreciate it if ya would swallow or even better bite yer tongue, before I’m forced to make ya, eh” continues Mrs. P. now in her sweetest voice reserved normally for the feeble minded, the infantile and/or otherwise mentally not yet fully developed humans…

Keep Inserting pads of high-quality coffee until either the end of times or ya run out of pads of which the latter option is highly unlikely given the fact that we just ordered and received a massive supply of the latest Nespresso coffee stock… She ads rather dryly…

Extract the power cord of its socket and insert it again repeat this until ya want to either hang yerself with the cord that’s of course if it weren’t too bloody short or better yet conserve yer powers and wait until a more deserving victim will come by and …

“Well, that sums it up my good fellar, eh?” Mrs. P. starts to eying ya up and then blurts out in a staccato voice: “about 176 cm and 80 kgs am I Right? OF COURSE I AM”

With kind regards,

Frans & Patr/icia van der loo